One of my best friends and fellow Blogger/third rate entertainer, Evon, has been tellin me I’ve been soft lately. And he’s been right. I’ve been soft. I’ve been trying to do things that aren’t natural for me, for a girl, who things didn’t work out with. All I’ve done is alienate myself from some of my friends, act like a total basket case around my friends that are still here and miss a lot of fun opportunities with women, work, life. I’m done. I’ve been trying to be this guy who she wanted, she doesn’t understand the kind of person I am or that my friends are so I’ve been trying so hard to stuff who I am in a box for her and wrap that box up all nice and neat and purty like. All that’s gotten me is lonely, bored, angry and my writing has seriously suffered. And that’s not to blame her for any of it. We’re still on relatively good terms, she didn’t ask me to change, I just did thinking I would win her over.
I got a text from an ex today, she’s married now. We talked and she, who once upon a time knew me best, could tell that I wasn’t the same as the last time we spoke and she had some choice words to say to me. And after arguing with her, all we do is argue, it hit me. I haven’t been happy because I’m not bettering myself, I’m changing myself for a girl who wouldn’t even want the real me. Fuck that.
This is just a post saying, the bitch is back. I’m back to the honest, joking, happy go lucky, drinking, fucking, cool headed, stand up son of a bitch I used to be. I’ll be writing again because my feelings are not meant to be talked about, they’re meant to be written down and stories made from them, songs sung, jokes slung.
That’s not to say that I’m a bad person trying to be good and now I’m back to bad, nothing like that at all. I was a good dude, rough around the edges, crate trained but not house broken ya know, me trying to smooth out my many MANY rough edges has left me soft, alone, isolated, bored, sad, and broken hearted. I need my edges. If I find a girl who I like and who likes me, then yes I’ll clean up a little bit, but that’s not the same as trying to change who I was at the core for some girl with a nice smile and pretty brown eyes.
The moral here boys and girls, don’t change for someone. Don’t isolate the people who care about you. Learn that there are worse things in the world then being single. I’m not alone, I’ve got some pretty great friends. Either this boy/girl/some other point along the gender spectrum wants you for who you are, or they don’t. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to be something I’m not and I’ve been miserable. These people who you want to change for, they either want you, the real you, or they don’t.
And I’m not saying don’t improve or better yourself. By all means, feel free to better yourself. But know the difference between trying to get better as a person and changing yourself to fit the mold of someone else’s idea of the ideal person.
So thank you Evon, thank you to my brothers for knowing that something was off and calling me out on it, and thank you to Ally for being there and not getting (too) annoyed with my bullshit as of late.