The Fat Man is Singing

Today I wanna take a break from giving my half baked relationship advice to talk about something more important, self esteem. Without getting this thing unpacked, you can’t really have an awesome relationship. Right?

I’m a big guy. I always have been. And the thing I hate more than anything in the world is when my friends, the girl I’m with at the time, look at me and tells me that I’m not fat. Or when the girl next to me says “I think you’re sexy like this.” I don’t know what they are seeing when they look at me. I’m a fat boy, I love pizza and beer and ice cream and because I do love the gym lately, my muscles are coming in nicely and so I know I’m not morbidly obese but I am a chubby boy. What makes me angry is that people not seeing that means you don’t see how I feel about myself, or the rest of the world views me. I’m speaking out on behalf of all my hefty brothers and sisters who also want to change.

Let’s break this down. We know that society wants sexier, slimmer, hotter bods. You telling us the opposite, that we’re fine how are are, doesn’t do anything for us but make us wonder “If that’s the case, then why can’t I find a boyfriend/girlfriend. OR, If you love me as a friend, and I’m perfectly fine to you, why don’t you want to be with me?” We aren’t a stupid people, we know the answer is attraction. But people think that those answers are good enough because by being fat are are associated with being of lower intelligence. We’re also less likely to get promoted, make more money, live past 60. We are more likely, however, to have self esteem problems, body image problems, to be associated with laziness, selfishness and unattractiveness, and to die of any number of health problems and probably to do that alone.

I’m a fat boy and the past few months the only real friend I’ve had is the one that looked me right in the eye and told me that I don’t look good. That he was concerned. He’s the one that’s got me reevaluating my diet and hitting the gym twice a day. Down over 30 pounds. The rest of my friends don’t see it as a problem, and so I’ve been pushing them away. I mean, how could you not see how unhappy I’ve been with myself, especially lately? How can they not see that I have been lazy and selfish and really down on how I look with everything going on. And I know that I’m not the only one.

And I’m not saying that self esteem problems only affect the bigger people in the world. This is just the one I know. My bottom line, is that if you know you’re unhappy with yourself, something about yourself, and it’s something you can change. Change it. Send me a message and I’ll help you in anyway I can. I’m not your friends. I’m not going to tell you that you’re perfect and society has to change. I think it does, I want to live in a world where people can be happy and comfortable with who they are. But I’m a realist, and I know we don’t. And I know first hand that pretending nothing is wrong is a recipe for a fucking nightmarish disaster.

That’s what this blog has been for me lately. It’s me grasping at straws because I’ve been pretending that things are alright and that I’m happy and confident and blah blah blah for so long that now I’m just kind of crossing some dangerous lines because I need to experience something real. The last few weeks haven’t been great. And I know it’s because I’m unhappy and I don’t want other people to start losing their friends, making weird, sketchy, dangerous choices, or doing reckless things because of how unhappy they are.

So yes, I do think every human being is beautiful, I also know what it’s like to be made fun of while trying to run down the street, and I know what it’s like to be thankful that I was too out of breath to show how much that sucked.


What Are You So Scared Of?

I think we all are afraid of getting into relationships and I really don’t know why or when this trend started. It seems like now everyone is either getting married the second the L word is dropped, as if waiting would mean these feelings would vanish or marriage is the only proof of love now. I’m bummed to know so many people my age or younger divorced already.

Or it’s the complete opposite extreme. Everyone is a relationshipphobe. Everyone is “just talking” now. I hate that expression. Remember the good ol days when you liked someone, and they liked you, and one of you got the balls to say it and then you were together? I do too, barely.

I don’t know where this fear comes from. A lot of it is honestly bullshit. I have a couple friends now who have strong feelings for someone, and are too afraid to admit these feelings. They’re afraid it might complicate things. My response to that is, complicate what? Your friendship that is essentially a lie? I’m not saying you can’t be friends with your crush, I am saying that don’t put so much value on a friendship where your intentions are NOT that of being the friendly boy/girl/trans next door. I know the feeling, I was there myself, and then I just said it, and it hasn’t complicated anything. She didn’t return the feelings and that mildly sucked, but, I’m not dead. I wasn’t so overcome with depression that there was no way out. She is still my friend. My good friend. So what are you so scared of?

I’m tired of our generation’s bullshit. We act as if we are the first ones to be cheated on, lied to, in an abusive relationship. I’m not saying those things are easily overcome, I’m saying we dwell on it and make it the end all be all of our worlds. We are a bunch of lethargic, self slut shaming cowards, and I think we need to break that.

If you like a person but not enough to be exclusive, say that. Be honest. Don’t lead them on and deny what you want under the guise of “oh, we’re just talking” And if you really like someone then tell them, don’t undervalue your feelings because your’e “just talking” and so things MUST be headed in the right way. All “talking” means is that you both are into each other but one or both of you isn’t sure it’s enough to stop them from seeing other people, or potentially someone they like more.

If you love a person, pick up the phone, make a plan and let them know. Worse case scenario: you mess up the friendship. I got news for ya, if your friendship can’t overcome something like that, it’s not that good of a friendship. It’ll be a little awkward but really, if the worse thing that happens is you feel a little silly for overvaluing someone’s presence in your life and you in theirs, sounds like a small price to pay for the best case scenario, ya know? So fellas tell her, grow some fucking balls. Girls, ovary up! Use those big beautiful lady balls and tell that person how you feel.

All that being said, I understand there are legitimate fears. Not just over hyped ones in our minds. I’m afraid of settling down. But not because of any of those reasons. I’m afraid in a month or 3 I’ll get bored. And I’ll wind up being the bad guy again.

Bottom line: there are legitimate fears to taking that leap to being “in a relationship.” Hell, the average life span has increased significantly over the past 100 years. Together til 60 is a lot different than together til 90. But just understand that there are worse things. I’m just tired of seeing everyone trapped in their own little bullshit romantic comedies, trying to give love a bad name until the one magically appears and saves them and they get married in a week. I’m not anti love. I LOVE love, so much that I don’t want to taint it with bullshit or fake it because I’m lonely and the girl with the right smile came up at exactly the right time. I live in the real world. Where love is something that just happens, but it takes effort to make it stay. Where marriage SHOULD but doesn’t always mean “til death do us part.” And I think now, with everything going on bashing our LGBT friends in more conservative states and countries, riots, racism, groups like ISIS, just so much human against human discrimination and violence, we could use a few more really happy endings, cheesey I love you’s and people not being afraid to take a leap of faith on something as simple as a boyfriend/girlfriend/transfriend

Keeping An Open Mind

I see things differently. I don’t see some cheating asshole but rather I see a man who’s been neglected and emotionally abused so long he sought some sort of solace, away from his toxic partner. I don’t see sluts. I see women who enjoy sex and embrace their sexuality and are strong enough to not give a damn what other people think about it. I don’t see desperate girls/guys posting “thirsty” statuses or pictures on facebook and instagram. I see people who may have been bullied or overlooked and just want a little validation.

I bring this up of course, to talk about myself (shocker). Despite all my bullshit and my great many, MANY flaws, I am not a misogynist. I love women, I really do. I have all their albums. I can’t think of a more complicated blend of softness and sweetness and sex appeal. Instincts to nurture and care but is totally capable of busting you up worse than any UFC fighter or half ton gorilla. I love women but I’m not a huge fan of myself. So for any girl that I’ve let down or hurt I hope this shows you that I really, truly meant it when I said that it wasn’t you, it’s me. (I know that old chestnut)

And I want all of you guys to know that I’m still tryin. I still open myself up because I would much rather feel hurt and sad after a break up, or a falling out or just plain ol unrequited feelings than feel lonely for not trying. I’d rather open myself up and risk being hurt (not promised, but risk) than stay trapped in some box in my own head wondering what if. There’s no progress there, no future.

I’m very particular ya know, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I know a spark when I see it, and I know chemistry when I feel it. I know what it’s like to really care about someone while being totally attracted to them and just thinking it’s charming as fuck when she gives me a hard time. These aren’t things I feel often though. I date, I go out, I fuck, I laugh because I don’t want to miss any important opportunities (that’s right I am VERY thorough).

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid to open yourself up because something bad happened to you in the past. And if you mess up don’t snap on the other person. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes (again, shocker) lately more than ever. And I’ve been losing my cool and I’ve been the asshole, and it’s not something I’ve ever meant to be. Don’t be like that, when things don’t work out, thank them for the time they’ve spent with you and bow out gracefully.

Girls: prince charming is completely real, and I see him in that boy that just asked you out and you said no to because you’re still nursing a broken heart from months ago. Guys: girls aren’t going to notice you being shy at a bar or party or book store and strike up a conversation with you because she things you’re a blooming wallflower. Take a chance ya know? Show some balls, ladies show those big beautiful lady balls you keep tucked away.

I would rather trust someone and regret it than not trust them and regret it. And what’s the worse thing that can come from approaching someone you like? They say no? Guess what? You’ll never see them again. But if you don’t try you won’t see them again anyway so what really do you have to lose?

And I know that some things are more complicated than that. Trust me my love/sex life is always spiraling out of control because of some complication, I’m currently stressing myself out because of a complication that I’ve caused. But just don’t make excuses. Keep an open mind, give some things a shot.


Looking Back

I’m hanging out with Evon and he and I are just doing stupid things (what good could ever come of us together?) And we’re talking and I start to think back and I remember this party I went to a couple of years ago. I went with this girl who was fucking cray cray (maybe I DO have a type). I was running late and I was debating on just blowing it off because this girl hit me (in and out of the sack) broke shit, stole shit, was just a hurricane of an individual and she’s snapped on me before for being late or flaking on plans and for, ya know, not offering her MY last beer, fry, whatever.

That’s not what happened. She comes out to get me and I am honestly expecting just a plethora of curses and slaps but I don’t get that. Instead she gives me pure bliss. To this day, I have never seen ANYONE happier to see me in my entire life.

She introduces me to her friends,we drink Jameson and PBR, we dance, we make out in the kitchen when no one is looking (Pro tip: Everyone is always looking). She takes me in the back to this guy’s like mini studio I guess. And there’s a dude playing drums and a couple guys on guitars so I grab a bass and just kind of join in. We’re all screaming random freestyle lyrics. After the party we have some awesome (violence free) sex, multiple times. It was a good night.

Music and booze and sex and crazy girls. Every day is fun but every day is like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper. That girl in particular was so hot and I thought this was what I was destined for. A girl who makes every second with her feel like running into a burning building and I never know if I’m walkin back out.

I don’t miss those days. I don’t regret them. I look back on them fondly, laugh a little, get a little teary eyed, but I don’t do what other people do and sit and think back and say “those were the days.” Those were days. The days are where I’m at now. The present. I’m not smart like you guys are, I can’t think ahead and plan for the future. But that means that in my mind every second is a chance to build something new.

That’s where I’m at today. Looking back on all the cool and wild and fun things I’ve done and realizing that’s not who I am anymore. Nothing lasts forever BUT that doesn’t make it sad. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

So look back at all your zany adventures, your lovers, your loves, your whatever. Don’t flinch about the bad or cry about the sad and don’t weep for the good times gone. Take a second to appreciate how they’ve shaped you.

Don’t feel bad or long for old relationships. Just because it didn’t end with “Til death do you part” doesn’t mean it wasn’t a successful relationship. This is me telling you guys to grab a drink, sit back, think back on what lead you here and smile. Then get up and keep on working it baby.


The truth about open relationships and friends with benefits

All I really want is to help you guys have awesome relationships and sex lives. I do this by sharing my half baked (if not well thought out) wisdom and experiences. I’ve had a lot. My life is kind of skanky kind of a joke, but at least I learn lessons. Most of the time anyway. So today I wanna take some time to open your eyes to the truth about things like, open relationships and friends with benefits.

Let’s start with open relationships. I’m a hopeless and hapless romantic so monogamy is kind of my jam. That being said, I get open relationships. I really do. You and your partner are in love and happy and you want to dedicate the rest of your life to that person, BUT, they just don’t do it for you in bed, or vice versa or she wants too much sex or he doesn’t want enough sex or they don’t understand or like what turns you on, so you open it up. I actually think this is a good idea if you fall into this kind of relationship, where you’re madly in love but your private parts don’t get along so well. There’s just one key thing to understand here before you decide to do this.

It is way WAY easier for a girl to get laid than a guy. I’m sure you’re thinking, “no shit asshole, so what?”  So if you’re a guy and you think you’re a stud and you think opening your relationship up will get you all the pussy, you’re probably wrong. If a girl walks into a bar, most guys will either want to or make an attempt to talk to her. If she tells them she has a boyfriend but it’s open and her partner is ok with it, most dudes won’t give a shit. If a guy walks into a bar (and he’s not famous or really, really, really, ridiculously good looking) most girls will notice, maybe think he’s cute, but that’s it. And when you open your mouth she may not be interested. And when you tell her you have a girlfriend who’s okay with you doing whatever, she probably won’t believe you, or not be into it. This is a serious pitfall that people don’t think much about. If this happens, guys, you can’t just pull the plug on your arrangement because she’s getting hers and you’re not getting any. It’s not fair. And ladies if this is the case for you, you gotta be more understanding, maybe try and introduce him to some girls who are more open and understanding or at the very least not rub his face in all the piping hot dick you’re getting on the reg.

Also, there is a real risk for one of you finding someone you like more. Doesn’t always happen. I know friends who’ve been open and happy and together for years. I also have a couple of friends who tried it and either got left, or left for someone new.

Friends with benefits: oh how sweet. There’s 2 big things to talk about here.

First and foremost all those shitty rom coms about the hot girl and sexy dude who make an agreement for no strings attached but wind up falling for each other are 100% true! That’s something to be aware of. You may not be dating, and hell you may be able to keep it 100% casual, BUT, friends with benefits means that you’re friends. You care about each other, there’s common interests. Benefits means that you’re attracted to each other and you want to, have had, and enjoy having sex with each other. Isn’t that the basis for a relationship? I’m not saying it definitely will wind up like that, but it’s more likely than not for one or both of you to develop feelings further than friendship when you’re in the throes of sexual wonder and chocolate and other sweetness thingies.

Which leads me to my second point. Friends with benefits IS a form of a relationship. I’m not saying it’s the same as a monogamous boyfriend and girlfriend thing, but it is a relationship. Deeper romantic feelings or not, you need to be courteous and respectful and understanding of your fuck buddy. So when you’re hanging out and you fuck them, don’t just leave or start scrolling through your tinder matches (I’ve seen you do it, asshole) actually hang out, wait to hit tinder date #6 up after you leave. They’re your friend who decided to be kind and grant you access to nether regions, they deserve some goddamn consideration. AND don’t hit them up after fucking 10 pm to “hang out” They are your friend, you care about them, not your booty call.


The Bitch Is Back

One of my best friends and fellow Blogger/third rate entertainer, Evon, has been tellin me I’ve been soft lately. And he’s been right. I’ve been soft. I’ve been trying to do things that aren’t natural for me, for a girl, who things didn’t work out with. All I’ve done is alienate myself from some of my friends, act like a total basket case around my friends that are still here and miss a lot of fun opportunities with women, work, life. I’m done. I’ve been trying to be this guy who she wanted, she doesn’t understand the kind of person I am or that my friends are so I’ve been trying so hard to stuff who I am in a box for her and wrap that box up all nice and neat and purty like. All that’s gotten me is lonely, bored, angry and my writing has seriously suffered. And that’s not to blame her for any of it. We’re still on relatively good terms, she didn’t ask me to change, I just did thinking I would win her over.

I got a text from an ex today, she’s married now. We talked and she, who once upon a time knew me best, could tell that I wasn’t the same as the last time we spoke and she had some choice words to say to me. And after arguing with her, all we do is argue, it hit me. I haven’t been happy because I’m not bettering myself, I’m changing myself for a girl who wouldn’t even want the real me. Fuck that.

This is just a post saying, the bitch is back. I’m back to the honest, joking, happy go lucky, drinking, fucking, cool headed, stand up son of a bitch I used to be. I’ll be writing again because  my feelings are not meant to be talked about, they’re meant to be written down and stories made from them, songs sung, jokes slung.

That’s not to say that I’m a bad person trying to be good and now I’m back to bad, nothing like that at all. I was a good dude, rough around the edges, crate trained but not house broken ya know, me trying to smooth out my many MANY rough edges has left me soft, alone, isolated, bored, sad, and broken hearted. I need my edges. If I find a girl who I like and who likes me, then yes I’ll clean up a little bit, but that’s not the same as trying to change who I was at the core for some girl with a nice smile and pretty brown eyes.

The moral here boys and girls, don’t change for someone. Don’t isolate the people who care about you. Learn that there are worse things in the world then being single. I’m not alone, I’ve got some pretty great friends. Either this boy/girl/some other point along the gender spectrum wants you for who you are, or they don’t. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to be something I’m not and I’ve been miserable. These people who you want to change for, they either want you, the real you, or they don’t.

And I’m not saying don’t improve or better yourself. By all means, feel free to better yourself. But know the difference between trying to get better as a person and changing yourself to fit the mold of someone else’s idea of the ideal person.

So thank you Evon, thank you to my brothers for knowing that something was off and calling me out on it, and thank you to Ally for being there and not getting (too) annoyed with my bullshit as of late.


The Ex that won’t go away [ALLY]

I know this topic seems redundant on my end, and you’re right, it probably is. But…I just have to get this last conversation piece off of my chest.

My ex-boyfriend, will not disappear.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve deleted him from social media, blocked him from my phone, and I’ve even steered clear when driving around The Fan and visiting my best friend at our (my) old apartment. I’ve been doing well.

But for whatever reason, he just won’t go away.

This topic honestly makes me cry, every time I think about it. Because it’s awful. What he did to me was awful, we all get that. I know I deserve better. I get that. We’ve been broken up for 8 months now. Life has moved on and life has been amazing since he has been gone. (My life is basically like that Kelly Clarkson song, Since You’ve Been Gone.)

But then…on Sunday…I walk outside, and who is standing there. He is. Good ole Joey, boy. Just hanging out. We had it out and that was that.

Today…I walk outside to take my dog to the bathroom, and who is walking across the street? Well…of course…there he is again. This time I didn’t say anything. I pretended like I didn’t see him, let my dog pee, and turned around and walked back inside. Left him just standing there looking like an idiot.

My question is: Why won’t he leave me alone? Whenever he gets bored and lonely, he always comes back. I’ve had my car keyed, and everything else. My locks have been changed thankfully, but still…he’s like a fly that just won’t shoo. I’ve decided though, that I won’t let him ruin my life. I won’t let him scare me away from The Fan. I love The Fan, and I have plenty of exes and various other people I don’t like seeing running around that I do a very good job at ignoring.

But seriously…move on…

End Rant.